nak or not

- nak terus or tak

I like blogging.

but macam liat sangat nak menaip.

anyway, blogging more like an escapism for me now. Just writing so that my kid(s) would have the chance to know a piece of me.

like now, only after I lost my aunt and nenek that I wish I had known their stories.

i wonder how nenek feels having to be married at 11 years old. Nenek penah cerita once, "lepas atuk kau balik lebih kurang pukul 5, dia cakap kat nenek, pegi la main dengan kawan-kawan".

Itu statement yang paling tak boleh lupa. kelakar ada, horror pun ada.

I want nenek's stories to be known by her progeny.

I want my sons to know that nenek is always very sabar. While aku pulak, tak sehari tak maki my user memang tak sah, walau pun maki dalam hati. Padahal, alim ulama kata, hati la kena di jaga, walaupun bermain didalam hati, Allah masih maha mengetahui.

I want my daughters to know that nenek will always leave it to Allah to deal with people who maliciously harms her family. Tak pernah pun maki orang yang buat cerita about her. Aku pulak always doakan what goes around comes around.

I want my cucu to know that nenek is very meticulous. Everything that she did, mestilah dengan tertib dan cermat. Nenek once scolded me the way I cooked telur dadar is not right, and my dad who was there, seconded her, and said i should learn from nenek. hehe.. telur dadar pun ada tatacara.

I want my cicit to know that nenek took hours berwirid after solat, My aunt said nenek would zikir up to 10000 times. Aku nak zikir 33 kali Subhanallah, 33 kali Alhamdullillah, and 33 kali Allahhuakbar pun macam malas gila.

I was not there masa nenek breath her last. Nenek nazaknye tak teruk, cuma bunyi macam orang tahan sedu, said my aunt. Memang nenek dah bagi bayang that she would leave soon, saying things like, bapak engkau, suami aku dah datang, katanye nak jemput aku.

Nenek had the unfortunate nasib seeing her eldest son and youngest daughter passed away before she did. The daughter preceded her by a month. Masa nak kapankan her daughter, my nenek tak sanggup tengok for the last time, she was bedridden in the room, and just said dia redha. She also lost 2 kids when they were babies. I guess ramai yang tunggu nenek at the other side.

Nenek, semoga Allah have mercy on your soul and place you beside Him.

- nak atau tak nak

hmm, berani kah nak do another career jump again. this is not a question, more of a statement that keeps scrolling through my brain.

but what if it is like jumping into a dragon fire extolling breath. I don't want to be burnt to crisp, but the prospect is really enticing.

what's with my character yg selalu nak membaran, this is a good thing.

well, i'll know for sure by thursday.

Allah, guide me please.

- nak try or not

I need to bake something.

I need to be a superwoman. I need to rival the men at my work place and I need to rival the women in my kitchen. hahaha. Saje...

I have no idea how in the world that suddenly I like to bake.

I like watching people eat what I bake. I have 2 very honest critics, my neighbour's kids. Suka hati bila dengar "aunty, sedap la yang hari tu aunty kasi", or nak tergelak bila "aunty, pahit la". So far, the brownie, cookies, strawberry muffin, custard kek passed the test. The dark chocolate muffin fail sikecik taste bud, though the elder sister said it was yummy.

Next on my baking list. Damn, I sound so makcik. Well, at middle age, baking is a rite of passage eh. That reminded me, one time i went to a friend place, she and mygoodself talked non stop about baking this and that, while our partners were talking about car engine, toys, games and other man(kids) toys.

Nak bake:

caramel custard cake

nutella cake

almond cookies

chicken pie

almond pie/tart

cheese cake

err, cukup tu dulu.