Monday, July 16, 2012


is blogging kinda like riding a bike?

my fingers all klutzy from the frost of not writing anything for the longest time.

testing.. testing..

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

flooding under the bridge

Been having a slew of bad tidings lately.

Remainder. Reprimand. Message.

bitter. bitter. bitter.

lemonade please...

Monday, August 24, 2009


Arwah Sudirman sings, ayah dan ibu, wali-wali keramat, pada mereka kita beri hormat..

You ever wonder whether you've done enough for your parents?

These days when I looked at my parents I can't believe how they've changed.

They looked very fragile. It made me so sad and angry.

Once I saw my dad almost fainted from the fatigue of participating in my grandma funeral's procession. That sight really shook me to the core.

My mom once asked me to help her restore the storage unit in the fridge because it was too heavy for her. When i lifted the unit, anticipating it to be very heavy, I almost flung it away. It was very light as it only contained vegetables.

When my parents meet up with their siblings or friends, they catch up by updating who has left and who are nearing the end. For me it sounded very morbid yet very sobering, watching people around you moving on one by one.

My dad and his older brother are the only two left from a sibling of 6.

My mom lost her youngest sister and eldest brother. That left her with 6 others.

I'm sad watching them struggle with their daily chores. I mean my mom is one of those women who give her life to her family. She cooks, cleans, 'play' house to 6 kids by herself.

My dad works 24/7 doing all sorts of hard labor jobs.

Now, my mom and dad suffers from too much body aches just from doing things that they've taken for granted before. I know they are frustrated that they are not as energetic or as agile as when they were younger.

I'm angry that I can't do much to help them and sometimes gets irritated with them. I beat myself up to no ends whenever that irritability surfaced. It makes me feel so anak tanggang.

Coming from a family that doesn't express our love towards each other openly, it really takes a lot of courage to change how I express my feelings towards them. I hope I manage to express my love for them; though I'm not always the best daughter around, I hope they understand that I do try my best to be one.

One thing I am really glad of doing is to be brave enough to give a peck on both of dad' cheeks and his forehead. The first time I did that I do believe he was taken aback. I did it because I read somewhere, how that person only managed to do so on his parents cold cheeks, the last kiss before the jenazah is taken to its final resting place.

I remembered a comment from somewhere that says, do you think going home to visit your parents once a month, and giving them some pocket money are enough to pay for all they've done for you. Once they are gone, would you think you've done enough, would not there be any regrets in you.

p/s: I am not a fan of Yasmin Ahmad the filmaker, but I am an admirer of Yasmin Ahmad the daughter. I cannot help but be in awe at the way she uphold her parents. I mean that is one anak that any mother would say, sejuk perut ibu mengandung. I am a pale reflection to her dedication to her parents, and listening to her mom talking about her, makes me want to try to be a better daughter to mine. insyaallah.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I have a dream..

The one consistent dream that I usually have without fail at least a few times a year is the dream where I'm going to sit for my SPM papers, yet I have not done any studying. And the exam is supposed to start tomorrow. Without fail, this dream made its presence to me.

Sometimes in my dream, I kind of know that I have sat for my SPM papers years ago, and I kinda know that it is a dream. But still the scenes always follow the same script, my exam is tomorrow and I have not done any studying.

I have always wondered why the dream persisted.

I have no concrete answer as yet.

I mean I got a decent result; it landed me in an oversea university. It is no way near the 'nice' result of my partner where he scored in the upper echelon, among the top 10 for MRSM students. I think he had a nauseating nice result. My result was good enough for the amount of effort I put in. *hehehe*

I find it funny why the dreams never happen when I was studying for SPM. If it did, then may be I'd been in the upper echelon of SBP. *rotfl* sniff, sniff.

Anyhow, it always has been the same dream, year in year out, for about 5 years now.

Except a few days ago.

This time it was different.

That dream enfolded in the same scenes, the upcoming SPM exam that I have not studied for. The only different is this time the exam is 3 months away, not the next day.

Now it makes me wonder why the time factor is different. I've been trying to figure out what had changed in my life that has subtlety change the time factor in this recurring dream of mine.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Luke, I am not your mama...

These days when we go out at night, we always managed to catch the request program on the radio; The one where people sent in their requests for songs along with their personalized messages.

It is really beyond my comprehension when unmarried couples address themselves as mama/papa, ayah/ibu. Urgh. Why do people do that? To keep the love? I would like for someone to enlighten me on that.

For the life of me, I find it 'bernanah' when people do that. What are you trying to achieve? .

The worst part is when you hear "walaupun kita tidak dapat bersama lagi, papa akan sentiasa mengingati mama." WTF!!!... I would definitely leave the relationship if my partner starts calling me mama.! And you are definitely not my father. geli telinga den.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Do you know..

For most of us saying Bismillahirrahmanirrahim is something that we do unconsciously, a habit that is mostly on auto pilot mode; that sometimes even when we wanted to do something not nice, we unconsciously say Bismillah.

It is just something that we are taught to say before, for most part, we start eating, and for some as a gesture of tawakal before we start on a task.

I came across the following info in one of the websites, but I can't remember which site. I would like to share it verbatim because I find it very enlightening because I personally never think of Bismilllah of more than "In the name if Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful" or "Dengan nama AllahYang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani".

May be the ustazah/ustaz of days past did teach me of Bismillah being more than that but I certaintly did not retain the info.

Anyway, these are what Bismillahirrahmanirrahim stands for:

1. Ia adalah satu ayat lengkap dan sebahagian daripada surah Al-Fatihah.

2. Ia sumber keberkatan dan jaminan bagi setiap perkerjaan, tanda tawakkal dan meminta bantuan Allah.

3. Ia memberi warna ketuhanan bagi setiap pekerjaan, dan menyelamatkan perkerjaan-pekerjaan manusia daripada bahaya syirik dan riak.

4. Ia bererti - Ya Allah, aku tidak melupakan Mu, maka janganlah Engkau melupakan ku.

5. Bila ia diucap ertinya menggabungkan diri kepada kekuatan yang tidak terbatas dan berharap kepada lautan rahmat Ilahi yang tidak bertepi.

Ok, now have to go back to doing my work, Bismillah...

Thursday, July 09, 2009

it aint heavy, but its family

I hate it when I'm caught in the middle, trying to please people on every side except for mine.



Monday, July 06, 2009

willing buyer, willing seller

It is very rare for me to be at work beyond 5.30pm. I'm the type that got that auto switch off in my brain. Oh, its 5pm, click - GONE FOR THE DAY. :-)

Yet today, I'm still here in the office. Too many things to do, and I only managed to finish them just now.

Now, I'm reluctant to go back because that means I have to start all over again tomorrow.

I guess I make that career move after all. Now this seller is waiting for the buyer to make an enticing offer.

cepat la...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

nak or not

- nak terus or tak

I like blogging.

but macam liat sangat nak menaip.

anyway, blogging more like an escapism for me now. Just writing so that my kid(s) would have the chance to know a piece of me.

like now, only after I lost my aunt and nenek that I wish I had known their stories.

i wonder how nenek feels having to be married at 11 years old. Nenek penah cerita once, "lepas atuk kau balik lebih kurang pukul 5, dia cakap kat nenek, pegi la main dengan kawan-kawan".

Itu statement yang paling tak boleh lupa. kelakar ada, horror pun ada.

I want nenek's stories to be known by her progeny.

I want my sons to know that nenek is always very sabar. While aku pulak, tak sehari tak maki my user memang tak sah, walau pun maki dalam hati. Padahal, alim ulama kata, hati la kena di jaga, walaupun bermain didalam hati, Allah masih maha mengetahui.

I want my daughters to know that nenek will always leave it to Allah to deal with people who maliciously harms her family. Tak pernah pun maki orang yang buat cerita about her. Aku pulak always doakan what goes around comes around.

I want my cucu to know that nenek is very meticulous. Everything that she did, mestilah dengan tertib dan cermat. Nenek once scolded me the way I cooked telur dadar is not right, and my dad who was there, seconded her, and said i should learn from nenek. hehe.. telur dadar pun ada tatacara.

I want my cicit to know that nenek took hours berwirid after solat, My aunt said nenek would zikir up to 10000 times. Aku nak zikir 33 kali Subhanallah, 33 kali Alhamdullillah, and 33 kali Allahhuakbar pun macam malas gila.

I was not there masa nenek breath her last. Nenek nazaknye tak teruk, cuma bunyi macam orang tahan sedu, said my aunt. Memang nenek dah bagi bayang that she would leave soon, saying things like, bapak engkau, suami aku dah datang, katanye nak jemput aku.

Nenek had the unfortunate nasib seeing her eldest son and youngest daughter passed away before she did. The daughter preceded her by a month. Masa nak kapankan her daughter, my nenek tak sanggup tengok for the last time, she was bedridden in the room, and just said dia redha. She also lost 2 kids when they were babies. I guess ramai yang tunggu nenek at the other side.

Nenek, semoga Allah have mercy on your soul and place you beside Him.

- nak atau tak nak

hmm, berani kah nak do another career jump again. this is not a question, more of a statement that keeps scrolling through my brain.

but what if it is like jumping into a dragon fire extolling breath. I don't want to be burnt to crisp, but the prospect is really enticing.

what's with my character yg selalu nak membaran, this is a good thing.

well, i'll know for sure by thursday.

Allah, guide me please.

- nak try or not

I need to bake something.

I need to be a superwoman. I need to rival the men at my work place and I need to rival the women in my kitchen. hahaha. Saje...

I have no idea how in the world that suddenly I like to bake.

I like watching people eat what I bake. I have 2 very honest critics, my neighbour's kids. Suka hati bila dengar "aunty, sedap la yang hari tu aunty kasi", or nak tergelak bila "aunty, pahit la". So far, the brownie, cookies, strawberry muffin, custard kek passed the test. The dark chocolate muffin fail sikecik taste bud, though the elder sister said it was yummy.

Next on my baking list. Damn, I sound so makcik. Well, at middle age, baking is a rite of passage eh. That reminded me, one time i went to a friend place, she and mygoodself talked non stop about baking this and that, while our partners were talking about car engine, toys, games and other man(kids) toys.

Nak bake:

caramel custard cake

nutella cake

almond cookies

chicken pie

almond pie/tart

cheese cake

err, cukup tu dulu.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

nasi oh nasi

I love rice.

Beats me how some people can go off rice for a long time.

For me, rice soaked with gulai lemak cili padi and sambal ikan bilis is heaven sent.

Like the other day, I cooked gulai lemak cili padi udang with kacang buncis, ikan masin sepat cili padi, and accompanied by salad, left over rendang ayam with daun puding, and sambal belacan kuinin (a heavenly sambal by my babysitter).

The 3 adults in my house makan bertambah-tambah.

Itu lah masalah besar bila ada lauk yang sedap. You'll eat more.

But of late, the waistline has not been very kind to me. So now, teringin to cut down on carbo.

A hardship tu.

So now bebila I succumbed to eating rice, it really pissed me off if the lauk tak sedap. I seriously think it is an offence if you serve less than delicious food to your customer. People pay to eat what you served, the least you can do it make sure that the food is good, not salty and no bawang for people like me.